This Last Chapter

Well, here it is:

My last post as a full-time missionary.

Yea, it makes my heart flop too.  It doesn’t feel real. This is my life. Being a missionary is who I’ve become, and I’m about to have to leave it all behind. It nearly breaks my heart to think of taking the tag off. It’s become the best accessory I’ve ever invested in. And….call it cheesy….but the names on that tag--Jesus Christ, and Sister Parker--aren’t just written there….they’re written on my heart now.

Despite having to take that name tag off, I’d like to think that deep down, I’ll always be Sister Parker. Though, I’ll never be called that again as a full-time missionary, I hope to forever be called a disciple of Christ….and that automatically makes me a missionary….FOR LIFE.

And that’s fine by me:)

I can’t even begin to describe what my mission has taught me. I'm finding it impossible to even begin. How can I describe, summarize, or whatever you want to call it...the past most influential, difficult, worthwhile, and miraculous 18 months of my life. How will I ever be able to fully express what my mission has taught me, how it has shaped me and formed me into the person I am today, and how it has opened my eyes, brought me closer to my Savior than I have ever been before?

My mind is SO filled with thoughts, memories, and experiences that I've had over the last year and a half, and I don't even know where to start. Describe my mission? I honestly don't think that's possible. I feel like I've been on a journey with my Savior that only He and I will ever fully understand.

So here's what I hope to do. I hope to put down at least some of all the thoughts going through my mind the closer and closer my return home comes. I hope to say, in some part, what is in my heart and mind, and to adequately describe how I feel now that this journey and chapter of my life comes to a close.

So what have I learned??

1. The Atonement is real. It is oh, SO real. It has been the ONLY thing that has carried me through these most difficult 18 months of my life. Ultimately, there was no one and nothing that could consistently help me and lift me through the times of depression, discouragement, homesickness, illness, pain, sorrow, confusion, and darkness....than my Savior, Jesus Christ, and His Atonement. It heals ALL pain. ALL pain. I have come to know my Savior on a COMPLETELY new and different level than I've ever known before. I knew the Atonement was real and powerful before my mission, but like Elder Holland said, "How could we possibly bear any moving lasting testimony of the Atonement, if we’ve never known or felt anything of such an experience? As missionaries...you must be prepared to walk something of the path He walked. To feel something a little of the pain he felt. To at least occasionally sometime during your mission shed one of the tears of sorrow that He shed."

While I did not appreciate or even realize it in the moment, I am now fully aware and in fact, I am grateful that I shed those tears of sorrow. I DID shed them. Many of them, in fact. But I can honestly say now, that I'm grateful that my mission was not easy. I still sometimes look at other missionaries who are "loving every minute" of their missions and who say that it has been the "best two years" of their life, and I wonder, "Why me? Why has my mission been so hard? Why did I have to experience trials like this that pushed me to my very breaking point again and again? Why did this have to be so hard for me, when others seem to have it so easy?"

Now, however, as I look back on my mission, I have realized that that was my token. That was the price I had to pay to be who I am today. That was the price I paid to know my Savior the way that I do now. And NO price will ever be too high to know Him. It has been worth it. I don't know that I could ever do it again, but if He were to require it in order to help me become the person I am meant to become....then I would do it again. In His strength, and with the power of the Atonement (which I now know in part the infinite magnitude of)....I would do it.

I see the difficulty of my mission, sometimes, like a workout (yea, no surprises there that that’s where my mind goes:). If  it's easy, it doesn't bring change. If it doesn't push you, you don't become stronger. If it doesn't require all of you, you won't get all you want out of it. So while others' missions may not be a trial in their life, because mine has been, it has made me stronger--it has made me better, more like Him, more like the person I want to be.

This journey I took, was a journey I took with Him. It was a walk with my Savior.

"You let [the missionaries] know that when they struggle, when they are rejected, when they are spit upon and cast out and made a hiss and a byword. They are standing shoulder to shoulder with the best life this world has ever known. The only pure and perfect missionary that ever lived. They have every reason to stand tall and to be grateful that the Savior and Redeemer of the world knows all about their sorrows and their afflictions. And that for a moment or two in their lives, they will understand what He went through for them" (Elder Jeffery R Holland).

I understand. I understand it now. My mission has opened my eyes in more ways than I will ever be able to count. But most importantly, it has opened my eyes to my Savior. I see Him now clearer than I ever have before.

I know Him.

And I know He knows me. I have stood shoulder to shoulder with Him. I have worn His name over my heart, literally, for 18 months. I have been His witness. And He has been my constant companion through it all. He has never left me unaided. He has strengthened, comforted, guided, sustained, nurtured, blessed, and loved me. He was ALWAYS there for me. And I am FILLED with gratitude that He chose ME to represent Him for this time of my life.

2. His grace is sufficient. As a missionary, I now more fully understand how "His grace is sufficient" as I look back on my mission and wonder if I did enough, if I was as perfect as I should have been, if I worked as hard as I could have, if I made enough of a difference.

It is SO easy to doubt yourself as a missionary, to be frustrated with your weaknesses, to compare yourself to others and feel like you'll never measure up, and to become discouraged because it never seems to be enough. However, I have come to realize the power of grace, in addition to my own shortcomings and weaknesses.....and it all comes out even in the end...because of Christ's Atonement.

It's true, my efforts have never been and will never be enough. I'll be totally honest: my mission has not been perfect. I could have talked to more people. I could have been more exactly obedient. I could have done more. I could have improved more. I could have been more....everything. But I tried. And what I've learned about grace is this: my efforts will never be enough, but with the Savior and His power and love.....all of my efforts will be magnified and He accepts EVERY effort that I make. Yes, I have not been perfect on my mission, but because I tried, I have become more perfect--more like Him.

I also learned that I had to let go and ALLOW grace into my life. It's not just there to fill the gap--it IS the gap. It is the gap that I will never be able to fill. I'm not left alone to do my part, and then hope that He'll make up for the rest. No, rather, He's already done His part, and mine. All He asks is that I show appreciation for that gift, and live my life "grace by grace," doing my best, but realizing that I will never be enough.

And that's ok!

He knows that, he knows that perfectly. But all He wants for me is to TRY, so that I can become like Him. And it's not intended to be a painful and depressing process. Becoming like the Savior should be a glorious experience, as long as we rely FULLY on His grace to make more of us than we can without it!

It has transformed me. It makes my sacrifice acceptable before Him, not because of my own efforts or strength, but because of my own change of heart and mind, THROUGH Him. Grace magnifies me. It has magnified what small difference I have tried to make.

A professor once told me, "Mercy is NOT receiving what we DO deserve. Grace is receiving what we DON'T deserve." I didn't deserve to be as personally rewarded and blessed for my efforts on my mission. I didn't deserve to see the miracles I've seen. I didn't deserve to have the power and gifts given to me that He gave. I didn't deserve to be forgiven and made new again. I didn't deserve to receive his constant help and love. Honestly, none of us deserve anything in return. But yet, He gives, and He gives freely. His grace is there to fill the entire gap.

Grace has made me who I am today. It has made my offering of this mission acceptable to Him. I have come to know the power of grace to make up for my weaknesses and shortcomings, my imperfections and my sins. And I am filled with awe and gratitude at the fact that I was able to show appreciation for His Atonement and love by laboring in His vineyard. I am SO blessed!

3. Let Him change you. People told me before I came out on my mission, "You'll change so much on the mission" and I remember thinking, "I sure hope not." I was comfortable with who I was. I didn't want to change for anything or anyone.

I had that textbook image of sister missionaries flash through my mind when they said "change"……y'know, the long dark skirts to the floor, nun buns, arms folded around the scriptures, and barely talking above a whisper, breaking into emotional tears when speaking about anything remotely spiritual.......yea, not my thing.

I came out, determined not to change like that. But God had a different idea. He wanted me to change in a much more important way. And honestly, if all the success of my mission were to be taken away, my mission would still be worth it because of the person I've become---how I've changed--through my mission experience. That change--that blessing--is truly what fills me with gratitude, now that I come to the close of my mission.

It wasn't always easy. There were times when I thought, "Why are you doing this to me??" At times, I questioned, I pled, I begged, and doubted, and I suffered. I learned that I had to LET Him change me. And it was the kind of change that was much more important than how I looked or what I wore.

I had to put myself into His hands, knowing that He would mold and shape me into a more beautiful and perfect person than I could make of myself. And when I did, He did.

At first, I thought He was trying to break me.

No, He was enhancing me.

I thought He was trying to tame me.

No, He was trying to liberate me.

I thought He was trying to burden me.

No, He was empowering me.

It took time for me to realize. But now, as I reach the end of my mission, I realize that He has not only endowed me with new life and new capacities, but those capacities were not meant just to bless others on my mission--they will continue to bless me throughout my ENTIRE life and beyond into the eternities.  

>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<

{Ok….so if you’ve actually made it to this point…..you deserve MAJOR brownie points, because…that was a lot:) Welcome to my life.....}

>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Ok....so to wrap up...

 AH!!! I can't even describe how full my heart is! I am overwhelmed with gratitude to my Savior for choosing me--little insignificant ME--to walk with Him for these past 18 months. He chose me to have this experience, to learn these priceless truths, to develop these talents and abilities, to learn these significant lessons, and to do these incredible things!

I am SO blessed!!

 And I am FILLED with gratitude to my Heavenly Father and Savior for this mission of mine. It has been MINE!! He has allowed ME to serve Him full-time for a year and a half and He has been there with me, the entire time! How am I so blessed?! I don't even want to know where I would be now, or in 10 years, or in 50 years, or in a lifetime from now without my mission! I have learned and gained SO much from these past 18 months.....and I wouldn't trade that for the world!

All I can think of is Ammon's words, "Let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for OUR JOY IS FULL; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel!" (Alma 26:16)

(Yea, I just went there….quoting scripture…haha oh well…what can I say:)

Really, though I can’t fully describe everything that’s in my heart, I hope something here….something I’ve said along the way….has helped YOU. You specifically. Wherever you may be, and whatever circumstance you’re in.

That’s what I hoped to accomplish through this blog…through sharing my experiences the whole way through it all. So, thank YOU!! Thank you for following along with me in this adventure!

It HAS been an adventure and I’m pretty confident that there will be more to come:)!!

And last, but not least….

I KNOW that this gospel is TRUE. I know it with ALL. MY. HEART.

I have lived it, and it has been worth it. 

I KNOW my Savior lives.

I know He knows me, and He knows YOU.

He is there to love, to lift, and to heal.

His atonement is REAL.

The Book of Mormon is SO TRUE.

 I KNOW there are messages within that book that are meant just for you.

Prophets are called of God today.

Miracles happen.

This is His work.

We are His glory.

Living this gospel is HAPPINESS.

It is peace, and it is HOPE.

I’m proud to say I am a member of this church.

I’m proud to say I am a full-time missionary for HIM.

I am proud to say that HE is MY SAVIOR.

I love Him with all my heart. For this past year and a half, I’ve testified of that, and

 I will continue to do so for the rest of my life!

ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!

Sister Anna Parker

The Honest Truth About Missions

"So are you getting paid to do this?"

"Nope"

"Are you getting some kind of school credit?"

"No"

"What about church promotion?"

"Nope"

"Well how about community recognition?"

"Definitely not"

"Then why would you EVER choose to do what you're doing??"

He had a point. I'd been talking to one of our investigators about missions and how we work as missionaries, and his final question wasn't foreign in my mind. I'd asked myself that question many times. 

You asked for honest. Here's honest.

I believe many--my pre-mission self included--have a warped opinion of what it's like to be a missionary. Before I put on the tag, I had only a vague idea of what it was really like to actually be in those shoes.

I thought they were perfect.
I thought they were always happy.
I thought they loved every minute of their service.
I thought they were invincible.
I thought they didn't have a care in the world.
I thought it was probably hard work, but easy to love.
I thought they were almost always successful.
I thought that it was easy for them to sacrifice.

It seems like a lifetime away since I lived life not as a missionary. In the time that's followed--now 14 months into my mission--I've come to see missionaries and missions in a completely different light.

"Sister Parker, missions are 98% hard work, struggle, disappointment, difficulty, sorrow, and even pain. 2%.......2% is pure joy," my mission president told me during one of our first interviews together.

He was right. SO right.

Here's the honest truth: missionaries hide a lot. Sometimes it's behind a smile as someone slams the door in our face after cussing us out. Other times it's behind closed doors when we fall to our knees, sobbing and begging for the help of The Lord to carry us through. And at other times, it's only disclosed in a simple journal entry reading, "Why aren't we seeing more success?" or "Why is this so hard??" Investigators don't see the tears we cry the night they've told us they're no longer interested in meeting with us. The strangers on the street don't see our hearts sink when they refuse to listen and instead call us names. The family members back home don't see the long sleepless nights when we can't think of anything but the faces of those we miss. The members don't see our pain when ten minutes before church, an investigator calls to say he won't be able make it. And even our companions don't always see our exhaustion after a long and difficult day.



Let's get raw:

I'm not perfect.
I'm not always happy.
I don't always love every minute of it.
I'm not invincible.
I struggle.
It's hard back-breaking work, and not always easy to love.
I'm not always successful.


And it is HARD to sacrifice.

I've missed the weddings of two siblings.

I’ve missed the farewell of a brother leaving to serve in Russia and

I’ll soon miss the farewell of another brother leaving to serve in Portland, Oregon.
I've had more medical problems on the mission than I have my entire life.
I've been called every name in the book, and been harassed for what I believe.
I've struggled with difficult companions, areas, and people.
I've spent long and lonely nights, aching for help and comfort.
I miss home and family every. single. day.

I’ve cried more tears in the last 14 months than I have in the last 14 years.
I question my ability to succeed often.
I feel completely inadequate to meet the needs of those around me.

I often feel weak, lonely, exhausted, frustrated, disappointed, and homesick.

And yet…….my mission president continued, “Sister Parker, missions are 98% hard work, struggle, disappointment, difficulty, sorrow, and even pain. 2%.......2% is pure joy…….  
And somehow that 2% makes it ALL WORTH IT.

I don’t even know how it’s possible. Serving as a missionary is THE hardest thing I have ever done. By far. It’s more demanding, challenging, and draining than anything I’ve ever experienced.

And somehow…..somehow……it is all worth it.

Yes…I struggle.

Yes…I fall.

Yes...I long for home and family.

Yes…I miss the comforts I gave up.

Yes…I often wish people understood how much we sacrifice just to bring them the gospel and make their lives better.

Yes…I’m FAR from perfect.

Yes…I’m weak and inadequate.

And YES…..my mission has transformed me and others into people we wouldn’t have been without it. Therefore, YES…..it is worth it.

That pure joy—PURE JOY—that President told me about……I had no idea what that was like until I became a missionary and have seen the gospel change lives, including mine. Most of the time, the joy we experience as missionaries isn’t even our own. It’s the joy we feel seeing others experience the joy of the gospel……Yes, it doesn’t come often. It takes HARD work to get. But it is PURE. It’s a joy I’ve never felt before in my entire life. And I believe it is a type of joy that few will ever feel. And it comes only to those who are willing to sacrifice everything for the Lord in order to receive it.

So yes….. I’ve often thought and often been asked: "Why would I EVER choose to do what I do??"

It IS hard. It doesn’t even make since to the outside world why young missionaries like me would go out for 18-24 months, paying thousands of dollars to go, abide by such strict rules, live such a rigorous schedule, have such limited communication with family and friends, and all just to share a message about Jesus Christ and His restored gospel.

I do it because IT’S TRUE. I would not be here….doing this, sacrificing like this….if I didn’t know with all my heart that it is true. It has changed my life, and I continue to see it change others’ lives.

 That is undeniable.

I can’t even begin to describe to someone why, specifically, being a missionary is so incredibly difficult. 
It’s much harder than I’ll ever be able to express. But while, I don’t believe my mission will ever be easy…..nor that sacrifice or conversion will ever be easy…….I KNOW that with the help of God, it’s worth it.

  

Now go hug a missionary ……... they need it:)

[To read the original  post click HERE]

Love me a BIRTHDAY

Gosh.

It's been a week. The big 2-1 crept up on me.......and apparently now I have to officially act like an adult. crap. No promises there. I was reminded by multiple wardies, though, that I can now be legally arrested and imprisoned.........

mmmmmkkkkk......gtk

FYI, birthdays on the mish are TOTALLY bizarre. Especially if you're turning 21. Every other normal 21 year-old in the world on their birthday, is out drinking, hanging with friends, partying hard, and playing it loose.......

And then there's me……

dang straight and stone sober

waiting for birthday packages in the mail

awake at 6 am

taping up hand-drawn paper balloons to the wall

and wondering what to make myself for breakfast in bed

…..living the dream……

In all honesty, though, my birthday celebration lasted a whole week thanks to my champ wardies. On wednesday night, we had our weekly missionary correlation meeting, and after we'd finished, I was asked to go to the garage with one of the ward missionary's wife to see about a future service project. Then randomly, we wrap up the toolbox tour and I'm taken back inside to find a

SURPRISE PARTY

Yea. talk about speechless. I haven't had a surprise birthday party since i was 16 and thought I was going over to babysit the neighbor kids.

I felt SO loved and remembered.......two things that are sometimes hard to come by on the mish! They even brought me gifts and the cake was to. die. for. By the end of the evening, I suggested we get a photo, so I set my ipad to video (since there's no timer option.....Apple, take a hint) and after a few awkward poses and "1-2-3-cheese", someone (who will go unnamed) had the brilliant idea of

…..smashing my face in the cake…..

Yes, it's on film.......No, you can't watch it now. I'm saving it for the awkward RM slideshow:) March 2015.....be there.....it's goin down.

Lez just say it's pretty epic tho. lol pretty sure they picked THE most greasy thick frosting to smother me with, btw. It took like 3 lather-rinse-repeats of Pantene and a whole lotta Bare Minerals face wash to get that stuff off.

#sweetmercy

Hahaha! still love the wardies<3

On my actually birthday, three days later, I woke up SICK....yes.....AGAIN. And on the b-day of all days. So basically my birthday morning went something like this:

Wake up after a miserable night of heat packs on my head and Nyquil that DIDN’T work

Clamber out of bed…...barely able to breath and sounding like a heaving rhino

Find my birthday package in the living room

Manage not to kill myself slicing the packaging with a pair of scissors….

dig dig dig: …chocolate…..shirts…..flashdrive….goodies…..letters……

TISSUES and EMERGEN-C!!!

Never been more happy to see Klenex in. my. life.

 I got one inspired momma;)

We then rushed out the door to go to a service project called Be the Match (helping people register to be bone marrow donors). We got there, set up camp (all the while I'm downing airborne and ricola drops like nobody's business), and then work the table till noon when the fire and police department showed up to barbecue lunch for the donors.

Needless to say, the elders were the first to drop shift and get food. They came back with pulled pork, ribs, and brisket (yea like wow), sat down, started eating, and then the elder next to me pauses and says, "Sis Parker...try this sauce [pointing to the bbq sauce]."

I leaned over, sampled the stuff and just about d.i.e.d......hecka NASTY.

He smiled a bit then asked, "know what that taste is??"

uuuuuuummmmm......don't tell me it’s......dude are you serious?? Yep.

WHISKY

....straight up whisky...

I didn't believe him at first, but after trying it again, i was ready to puke. Gosh, there's times I'm SO glad I'm mormon. Who on earth would voluntarily choose to drink that stuff?? ugh. come to find, the cops had put the sauce on AFTER cooking the meat, so none of the alcohol had been cooked off. Basically......it was more than just "flavored" with the stuff.

and THAT'S the closest i got to drinking on my 21st.

YOLO

For the rest of the day, we helped donors fill out forms (which required reviewing medical histories.....yea.....it's all fine till the elders get assigned to work with a woman on birth control......and they don't know what to do or say.....yea awko taco) AND we also got an earful from one of the organization directors that she thought it should be required by law for "all juvies and inmates to become bone marrow donors"..................uuuuuuuhhhhhkkkkkkkkkk.

THAT would put a spin on Orange is the New Black..........

hahaha

Ok so anyways....we eventually finished off the birthday with dinner at Portillo's with one of my fav member families......AND.....half the women in the ward were there for pre-women's conference dinner so it turned into party #2 for the week. AND because I was sick...the same member went out and bought me a birthday package of cough drops, chicken noodle soup, and herbal tea.

#bigelowblessing   #cantbebeat   #bestwardieaward

Yea....I was like a 2 year old with Christmas candy....but instead.... a 21 year old with Hals.......no shame.

The women's conference that night, though, was an absolutely perfect finale to the birthday!! Ah! I can't get over Pres Uchtdorf. Every time......he nails it.

Future hubby......I expect you to be all that when you're 75.

Just before heading off to women's conference, though, we were invited by a ward member to drop by the home of one of her friends who she'd met at the grocery store (member missionary much??:). We went in to find a frail 67 year old French woman who's eyes were red and filled with tears. Turns out, her son--who she's given all her money, time, and attention to--has decided to cut off all communication with her (for whatever reason).

She was absolute HEARTBROKEN and told us she didn't know if life was even worth living now.

The member turned to us and asked us to share a message. THAT’S when all your preparation, study, learning, understanding, practice, testimony and reliance on the spirit HAS to come into play.

And it did!

I opened the scriptures and read to her Alma 26:37 and then boldly testified to her that God was aware of her, that He would never leave her side during her difficulties, and that He was ready and anxious to hear her prayers. The spirit was strong and tears streamed down Fransoise's face.

When we eventually turned to go, I took the opporunity to wrap my arms around her small frame and told her, "We love you, Fransoise!! And God loves you too!" She struggled for words, but wiping her eyes, eventually whispered back, 

"Thank you! Thank you for loving me!"

Fransoise wasn't able to attend the women's conference with us, but sitting there hearing President Uchtdorf's address, I was reminded again just how much God loves each and every one of his daughters! His message was a powerful reminder to me that I'm not alone. That I'm not perfect, but that God still loves me. I have purpose, value, and potential.

And that while I may not understand everything, I can understand that He loves and cherishes me no.matter.what.

Sometimes, as a missionary you find yourself being taught by yourself as you're teaching you’re investigators. I felt that as we listened, love, and testified to Fransoise of God's love for her. I was filled with love for her--almost a complete stranger--and in that gift of that love, I re-discovered the Lord's love for ME.

His love is real. It's unconditional. And it's empowering!

Go out and love someone.  In doing so....you'll find how much God loves YOU.

Onward and upward,

Sister Anna Parker

more from our comp photo shoot.....

before.......

and after........

saying goodbye to our district leader, elder pavlovsky, who just got his visa! You'll be missed brother!!

best we could do at a district selfie;)